I thought I was doing everything right. I thought that by giving you everything you wanted and needed that I would get the same in return. I thought that by ignoring my own needs, that eventually we would find a rhythm that worked for both of us. I thought that my opinions mattered. I thought that my feelings would be considered.
I was wrong.
I tried to be heard. I tried to make my opinions and preferences clear. I tried to overcompensate by giving you more of me than I got of you. I tried to be strong. I tried to hide my disappointment. I tried to ignore the signs. I tried to earn respect. I tried to be loveable. I tried to be supportive. I tried to give you everything you needed.
But I couldn’t.
I shouldn’t have to fight so hard to feel loved. I shouldn’t have to put everything above my own feelings. I shouldn’t have to be someone I’m not because it is what you prefer. I shouldn’t have to ignore my pain to make you happy. I shouldn’t have to deal with disrespect. I shouldn’t have to be bullied. I shouldn’t have to be humiliated. I shouldn’t have to be berated into thinking I’m crazy. I shouldn’t have to explain why I am sad.
But I do.
I’m invisible. I’m insignificant. I’m not loved. I’m a burden. I’m a joke. I’m a punching bag. I’m a mistake. I’m an embarrassment. I’m stupid. I’m the bully. I’m crazy. I’m not worth it.