Struggling

I am in a rough place right now. I am struggling with feeling worthy of chasing my dreams, of finding joy in my successes, and in simply feeling appreciated in my daily actions.

One day I was feeling on top of the world. I was waking up early. I was working out, running, drinking a ton of water and eating healthy. I had goals I was working toward, and I was making progress.

Then one day, my world came crashing down around me. I came to the realization that I had been living my life for me for the first time, and it suddenly wasn’t working for someone else. The person I was becoming, the best version of myself that I had been wanting to be for years, was too strong.

Too self confident.

Too opinionated.

Too challenging.

I was no longer the silent pushover that was the brunt of all of the jokes. I was no longer the weak, selfless one that merely existed to take care of others. I was finally taking care of myself, and that was too intimidating.

And that was soul crushing for me to realize. That my worth to those closest to me is more when I am less. When I excel and grow, I become unlovable. When I voice an opinion, I cause confrontation. When I succeed, I am putting others accomplishments down.

When I struggle though, they flourish.

Learning that truth has thrown me into a tailspin of epic proportions.

I am no longer confident in working toward my goals. I can barely eat, let alone ensure I’m ingesting anything healthy. And working out has become a thing of the past. My body barely has the energy to get out of bed in the morning, let alone go for a run.

I am falling apart, and yet the one person that should be the first to notice is the one that seems to be the happiest. Oblivious to the pain, and simply content that their world is back on its axis.