Starting Over

Life works in funny ways sometimes. It ebbs and flows, has peaks of joy and valleys of sadness, and sometimes seems to go by so quickly that we stop for a second and realize that months have gone by. Then there are some days, weeks, or even months that seem to drag on for eternity.

Right now I am in one of those seasons that feels like it is moving at the speed of light. Summer is flying by before I can catch my breath and enjoy it.  My kids have had birthday parties and sleepover’s. We’ve had a family vacation to Disney World, multiple camping trips, cook outs, swimming in the back yard, movies and game nights. I’ve traveled to California, Florida, and Virginia in the last 3 months.

I signed up to run my first half marathon in October, but almost died trying to go for a 2 mile run with my husband yesterday. (Tomorrow I’m going to clean off the treadmill and start that training program over again.) I signed up recently to be a health coach and have been doing an excercise program religiously at 4 am, 5 days a week, for the last 3 weeks. So far no one wants to join me, but that’s ok. I’m learning how to coach myself into shape before I show off my skills to the public.

Next month, my family is going to be filmed talking about our experience in losing one of our twin boys almost 5 years ago after they were born prematurely at 29 weeks. This video will then be played at a Gala being held in our honor, after which I will be asked to get up and speak in front of hundreds of guests.

I will be recording radio and TV interviews sharing my story of infant loss as well, and will be continuing with my mission as the March of Dimes Ambassador family throughout the rest of the year.

I have work deadlines, presentations, more traveling, family dinners, doctors appointments, and before we know it school will be starting again. And don’t even get me started on the dreaded back to school shopping. I’m saving that for the last possible moment.

 

I have a list a mile long of personal and professional goals that I am working towards, each one in priority order to slowly chip away toward a better version of myself.

If I was in this position last year, I would be drowning in anxiety, and wondering how on earth I got myself into all of these commitments. I would be making up excuses, or simply backing out of anything I could to reduce my schedule to nothing. I would hide. I would lock myself away as much as I could to avoid the terror of the outside world. I probably would not have actually taken on anything that didn’t involve staying comfortably safe in the cocoon that is my family unit.

But after some hard work and soul-searching, I’ve decided to start over. I’m hitting reset on my life, and changing who I want to be.

I’m not going to be afraid to travel alone.

I will not be terrified to share my story with others.

I will openly share my struggles and my triumphs, because someone may be watching that may need to see that they are not alone.

I am not perfect. I never will be. But I can be a better version of me. I can be someone who I can be proud of, and someone that my children can look up to. I can be a voice for others that can’t share theirs. I can lift others up when they fall.

I can be brave.

I can be strong.

I can be whoever I want to be, as long as I am courageous enough to start over and try again.