This has been a long week.
I should be ecstatic that today is Friday, but after this past week the only thing I am looking forward to is going to bed. Sadly I’m a mother, so I don’t have the option of sleeping in tomorrow, but maybe- just maybe- I can go to bed early and try to start over tomorrow.
As I write this, I am sitting in my car in the parking lot of the cemetery that my son is buried in. I had the intention of walking through the cemetery to think and visit my sons grave. Yet here I am, immobile in my car. I feel like this past week has drained all of the blood from my body.
I feel empty.
I feel completely invisible.
I feel lost.
After the last few months of trying to improve myself, I am right back where I started. I feel like a failure. I don’t even have the energy to take care of myself anymore, let alone my kids. Of course I am still going through the motions- getting them to school, keeping them fed and clothed properly for the weather, and showing them unconditional love- but at the end of the day, the emptiness is still there.
I’ve started to wonder why I even bother.
In public I keep up the facade that I am a bright and happy ball of sunshine. I can smile, carry on conversations, and help support others. I am confident and can stick up for myself. I am a hard worker, a good friend, and a Girl Scout leader. I raise others up and try to teach young girls how to be strong, brave, and responsible.
But behind closed doors (or at least it was before posting this), I am broken. I am a shell of who I could be. I am not the woman I was created to be.
This is what it is like to battle depression. This is my life.
In a few days, weeks, or maybe even months, I will be able to work past this stage and be happy again.
Maybe next week I will get back on the treadmill. Maybe tomorrow my smile will be genuine. Maybe next month I will successfully run a 5k, and feel pride and accomplishment that is not overshadowed by emptiness.
I know that these feelings will come and go. It will be a constant struggle to balance the emotions that a mental illness can inflict on my brain. My life will forever be filled with highs and lows, and I have to be able to balance these emotions and move through them the best that I can.
If you have the same struggle, I’m here with you. I see you. I understand the invisible pain. I know that we can make it through this season, and find our way to the other side. Keep fighting.
The world needs us. We have something to give, even if today it doesn’t feel like it. We deserve to be happy, and this feeling of emptiness is not our fault.
Every day is a new chance to start over, to have a fresh perspective. Tomorrow is a new day.
Maybe tomorrow we will feel less broken.