self Care

Running with Guilt

Have you ever thought about just running away? It seems crazy in retrospect, but last night was one of those nights.

I’m currently in the process of solo parenting this week while my husband travels, and yesterday… Well yesterday I wanted to run away. My kids were the epitome of naughty yesterday, and it didn’t end until I went to bed.

We experienced screaming, hitting, throwing toys, not listening, running around the house naked after bath time (my son- not me!), dinner being thrown on the floor, more screaming, crying, begging for “one more chance” to be good so they didn’t lose desert…

It was enough to send me running. I ran straight to the bathroom and cried for a good 5 minutes, while both kids knocked on the door begging for snacks.

As I sat there crying, I felt defeated. I was failing as a mother. How can a mother not manage one night with her kids and want to run away? I felt so guilty. I felt like it was my fault and somehow I should have been able to diffuse all of the craziness before it got out of hand. Maybe if I just ran away, they would understand how much their behavior was weighing on me, and they would behave.

But we can’t run away. I won’t run away. I picked myself up, remembered how much these little monsters needed me to restore calm to this house before bedtime, and I snuggled them to sleep. I wish I could say that those snuggles were peaceful and the stuff dreams are made of, but they were not. They were still filled with tears (not me this time!), begging for 5 more minutes, pillows and blankets being thrown, searching for the perfect stuffed animal… you get my point.

The guilt that I was failing them continued to grow, and manifested into horrible dreams all night about how I was a horrible mother.

But this morning, I woke up and shook off the bad feelings from the day before. I reminded myself that today is a new day.

“Morning is God’s way of saying – one more time, go make a difference. Touch a heart, encourage a mind, inspire a soul, and enjoy the day!”

Author unknown

Today I remember that even the best mothers in the world have bad days. I know I will make it without running away. Today, I will inspire these little hearts to act with love, but being the example they need to see. I will be patient, and I will not feel guilty. I am doing the best that I can with what I have, and that is good enough.

So if anyone else has felt like running away, I feel your pain. I’ve been there. But we can get through it, and you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

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